#really just left alone the whole time
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Being constantly surrounded by the presence of a loving God sounds great until you realize you never know when his freaky fuckin eyes are gonna show up to check on you.
And man. They do it a LOT.
#primus please let the mech breathe#what i want to emphasize most with this iteration of optimus is the inherent fucking terror of being made a prime#really pick at those little threads of how fucked the matrix as a concept is. same with the staple tropes of op himself#the idea in tfp that it can entirely change your personality. and that if you lose it you cannot remember your time with it#those implications send me spiraling. to what degree is optimus the same being as orion pax? do you forfeit your soul to be a demigod?#do you fucking die to become a conduit for the higher being that made you? letting it puppet your mind and body like a parasitoid?#if death in transformers is simply rejoining the allspark; if the soul is something splintered off from the whole;#and if to die as a cybertronian is for that fragment to merge with the whole once again. is a prime not fundamentally a dead mech walking?#a prime stands with one pede in the afterlife and one in the land of the living and has to keep up with both at once#constantly seeing visions from a plane his processor was never meant to comprehend with optics that were never built to see it#forced to adapt into an elevated being as much as a frame that still has silly things like wants and needs and emotions and base coding can#how does a mortal live when his body is no longer just his body; but a vessel fir something holy and a tool fashioned to heal the world?#when he can never truly be alone again and he has to simply live with the ever present knowledge that he is being watched#both by his god and by the world#how does one live knowing not even their thoughts are private? when your god may be living but man he does not get the idea of boundaries#guess it must be hard to grasp personal space and all that when youre an ocean of souls that left it behind#maccadam#transformers#wayward sparks#optimus prime#art tag#sometimes i feel kinda bad for putting this bastard through The Horrors. if ws gets made all the way he will be thrown so many bones#only sometimes tho >:3
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It makes sense that the HTTYD Vikings wouldn’t know this while they were fighting for their lives against Furious’ forces but….Furious declared war on ALL of humanity right?? Did he just start with the Vikings and the Americas have no fucking clue what might be about to hit them? Is everyone else just chilling or did HTTYD become an alternate history series off screen while dragons stole Visigoth valour and fridged the Roman Empire hundreds of years earlier? Aka were their multiple fronts to the red rage that attacked other human societies or did Furious pile all of his forces on the Vikings? Is this a post apocalypse novel set in America where secretly the rest of the world is totally fine and the Americans don’t know?
#bc like…Hiccup is the biggest threat to the cause thus the Vikings are Top Priority™️ to the red rage#but also like the Romans were shown to be pretty fucking awful and low key worse then a lot of the Vikings towards dragons so we’re they#really just left alone the whole time??#also..the world big and that means many humans many dragons#Is it realistic to think Furious could both rally ALL dragons everywhere to this but also convince dragons who had suffered at the hands of#non Viking humans to go attack these strangers first rather then getting direct revenge??#so it’s honestly possible that the Roman Empire dragons all had an uprising sparked by Furious’ movement and encouragement and just fucking#killed all the Romans or something#also like?? how are the northern wanderers doing during this bc they’re like the chill humans canonically but I don’t think furious cares#im guessing they’re all low priority#httyd books#httyd book spoilers#the dragon furious#I genuinely can’t remember if the Romans are brought up at all in the later books#shut up Flynn#not sw#these tags are a mess
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god i wish they hadn't retconned maul's death. i get wanting to explore more of his character because he was, objectively, one of the coolest star wars characters to ever hit the big screen and didn't get much screentime prior to his death, but also his role was fulfilled perfectly within those constraints so i wasn't too upset by it.
but by retconning it and making it so he never died it's like. okay. what now? the whole point (well, to me, ymmv of course) of the theed generator fight was that it was the first ever fight between the jedi and the sith in thousands of years, and that in the end even though the jedi (obi-wan) won the fight, a jedi (qui-gon) and a sith (maul) still died. a master and an apprentice dying together to herald the start of a new age/the return of the sith. perfectly paralleling the way in rotj a master (palps) and an apprentice (anakin/vader) died together to herald the return of the jedi. in both instances, a father figure (qui-gon/vader) dies in the arms of their son (obi-wan/luke) as a sith (palps/maul) is cast down into the abyss to their deaths. (palps being alive in the ST and retconning his death in rotj is also annoying for this reason)
i mean i like maul. don't get me wrong. he's an incredibly compelling character and i enjoy seeing more of him... but there's always the thought hovering in my mind like "he should be dead though. he should 100% be dead. this wouldn't be happening if he was dead, but i honestly would rather it not if it meant that maul was dead."
like the tpm fight just doesn't hit the same knowing that canonically he's just. going to become a robot octopus at some point. (shoutout to palps becoming sith glados in the ST) it cheapens the moment for me. it was supposed to be a moment of triumph marred by the deep and soul-crushing loss of a loved one and it's just... not, anymore. or at least not to the same extent. AUGH i'm just. frustrated. wish star wars as a whole wasn't constantly reframing/retconning what's been established. just puts a bad taste in my mouth.
#personal#star wars is HUGE#there's a GALAXY'S worth of stories to be told#and we're always for whatever reason focusing on this ONE PARTICULAR TIME PERIOD#it's suffocating#this is partly why i'm so excited to see the acolyte#it's a break from the skywalker saga#i love the skywalkers. i love the skywalker saga.#but that's also why i want them to STOP ADDING TO THEIR STORY#sometimes a story has a beginning middle and an end and that's okay!#that's fantastic!#we don't need to see between the lines! or behind the scenes! what if we just LEFT IT ALONE#AUGH#anyways. i don't know. i'm just frustrated with the state of star wars as a whole#it feels so claustrophobic right now. just because the space is there and undefined doesn't mean it needs to be filled#this constant push to canonize the years leading up to an event with content is so frustrating#negative space in an image isn't a bad thing it just helps guide the eye to what's most important#otherwise it gets too cluttered. too noisy. too DISTRACTING.#this was supposed to be about maul being alive but it's really about my ongoing grievances with how star wars is cannibalizing the movies#i'm tired of it........ tired i tell you#anyways that's all. real old man yells at cloud moment rn lmao
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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crick is a few years older than isaiah... what if he had very faint i was a little boy memories of isaiahs mom before she died oxo
#thinking sooo hard about it#really a blind leading the blind moment#they get along well honestly. crick enables isaiahs sadboy side where he just wants to mope about bad stuff in his life#and isaiah enables crick to actually get it out of his system because hes very active (destructive) about negative expression#isaiah isnt a crier hes a breaker. crick is a sogggggggggy drinker who just cries all day abt it#so theyre very cathartic left to their own devices#i think crick being like thank god my mom drove my dad off. hed probably be like your dad if he was still around#and isaiah goes i wish my mom was around to do that... and getting soggy about not having ever gotten to know her#so crick dredges up the faintst foggiest memories of knowing her before she died and isaiahs RAPT just RAPT#and it makes crick cry bc hes SUCH a mamas boy the idea of losting cathy like that makes him blubber#so they just blubber about it together#thats their whole dynamic LOL#its why they only ever let themselves be alone 1ce and they went on a wholeass sadboy road trip about it#then did NOT stay in touch after#bc its not. a very healthy friendship all things considered#its really great when hunter first leaves tho bc crick is the ONLY person who gets it. what isaiahs feeling#bc he and hunter werent together but he LOOOOVED him and crick had the same thing happen w d.alex when he left for college#and never ever came back. ever. he left for good the moment he got a foot out#ofc that comes around to isaiah and hunter absolutely end up together and crick and d.alex Do Not. dave never felt that way abt him so#but its for the best#cricks husband is VERY good for him. gideon is no nonsense and doesnt have time for moping#he whips crick into shape as his lil househusband instead LOL
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you know i do wonder how many sonic characters actually have living parents. like knuckles is the last of his kind so obviously his parents arent around anymore. both guys who could be considered shadows dads are 100 percent confirmed dead. sonic is canonically an orphan im pretty sure. and on the other side of the coin cream is like the only character in the game cast who has a living parent we actually see onscreen. but what about everyone else i dont think theres a straight answer for any other character. other than rouge's mom being mentioned a couple times i Guess but we dont even know anything about her or if shes still alive just that she existed at some point. are these kids constantly putting themselves in danger because they dont have parents around to stop them or because their parents just dont care
#like what about tails. im guessing he didnt have any sort of family he was attached to if he left to be with sonic so quickly#but that doesnt really mean he didnt have parents at all. maybe he had parents and they just sucked i dont know#what about amy. what if she had parents this whole time we just never see them.#what about blaze. considering shes a princess id assume she was born into that role#but i dont know if her parents are ever actually mentioned#maybe theyre dead and there was no one else to take on their role and thats why blaze has so much responsibility at such a young age?#silver . he was born in a wet cardboard box all alone i cant really imagine him hvaing parents sorry#considering charmy is 6 and living with vector. an adult whos obviously not his biological dad.#i feel like something probably happened to charmys parents#espio i dont really question as much#becuase it feels very common in the sonic universe for teenagers to have more freedom than would be expected in real life#or maybe its not that common and the teenagers we're actually following are just living the most fucked up lives ever. i dotn know#but either way. espio where are your parents buddy. are they still alive. vector where are YOUR parents are they still alive#i dont know if i actually want canon explanations for all this though#because its kinda fun not knowing every detail about every characters life and being able to speculate and insert your headcanons n stuff#to be clear im talking about game canon#i know stuff like archie sonic and the sonic movies and the 90s cartoons will sometimes give characters new family members#or talk about their family situation even if the games dont say anything about that sort of thing
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admittedly i did say i was going to bed soon like an hour and a half ago. alas i was bingeing tma and what. am i supposed to just go to sleep after that. no. the patient needs 4 friendlyjordies videos back to back
#my post#yknow squirm does not exactly inspire fear in me because the whole time im just thinking WORM SEX EPISODE!!!#but i only got halfway through a fathers love before going 'oh i am NOT gonna be able to sleep if i experience The Dark Monsters'. sadness.#i CANT sleep w the light on bcus my lamp gets really hot and i fear it would catch ablaze if left alone for such a period of time#alas
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Thank god Sasha was confirmed bisexual, otherwise people would hc her as lesbian solely and exclusively because she's kind of a bitch.
#like it's a stereotype at this point. happy bubbly character HC'd as bi or pan. weird almost alien-esque character HC'd as ace/aro/aroace#skinny depressed sadboi man HC'd as gay. physically stronger taller and more extroverted and confident man HC'd as bisexual#and of course. mean bitch HC'd as a lesbian#i really don't get the ''nice fun and bubbly = bisexual'' stereotype at all#like what does it meannnnn#is it meant to represent how they're more ''open'' to ''more people''??#and lesbians being mean represents ?? idk that they're more ''closed''?#also see how the fanon male gay characters are usually like sad delicate flowers that must be protected and fanon lesbians are#just more ''rough'' somewhat. or at least closed off and cold or distant somehow#''frigid'' is the word that comes to my mind (yikes)#btw I LOVE that Anne and Marcy are characterized as lesbians a lot of the time in this fandom#since they're definitely much more ''soft'' and like cutesy and sweet than big mean Sasha#i love lesbian Anne (extroverted. confident. likes playing matchmaker. super super social. local jock. quite girly when she has the chance)#and I love lesbian Marcy (soft adorable bubbly girl. surprisingly extroverted. VERY hyper. vv energetic. adorable n precious cinnamon roll)#i kinda like the idea of aroace Marcy as someone who clings to her friends so desperately because she sees them drifting away from her#and priorizing other types of relationships (romantic bonds) while she's left alone because THEY were her everything#and she gave her whole heart to them#but they never gave their hearts to her because they were waiting for someone else to give them to. a romantic partner.#something marcy could never be#but I also feel like sometimes the ''weird girl'' thing might give off alien vibes somehow (?) like she just clearly doesn't belong in this#in this world she doesn't belong to this species she doesn't experience what most humans experience#i have mixed feelings on aroace marcy but tbh i don't care enough to like. complain about people who see her that way lol#though I admit I prefer lesbian Marcy a lot more#my posts#btw one hc i really do adore is trans girl Anne. idk if it's ''too stereotypical'' in relation to her like about who she sees in the mirror#i find it so soft and sweet. how she learns to love herself. how she forms a sense of self. trans girl anne my absolute precious#amphibia
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MIKE BLOCKED ME ON TWITTER FOR ROASTING HIS DUMBASS RESPONSE TO THE GRAPHIC NOVEL STUFF!!
grown ass man scared of the 19-year-old queer being mean to him over his public meltdown more at 8.
#ramblez#little white boy sad? U sad bc nobody likes you? Bc u constantly make a fool of urself and show off ur distaste for ur fans? lmao#this is one of the greatest things to ever happen to me imagine how mad he'll be when he finds out the fangame Im making has queers in it#hes gonna have a whole other white boy meltdown on main KJSNFDGKJHFGKJHGKJHSDFGSD#hes so fucking sensitive maybe just get off of social media Mike this never ends well for you#batim#batdr#bendy and the ink machine#bendy and the dark revival#and look Im joking around about this but it really is sad that the bendy devs cant handle this kind of critique towards their decisions#it seems despite the backlash once again they are choosing to ignore their fans which is yknow upsetting#But hey ig if the devs being awful was a dealbreaker for this fandom I wouldve left a long time ago and I havent#dw Im not going anywhere <3#also if anyone else here was also criticizing Mike maybe check his acct to make sure ur not blocked now since apparently#old habits die hard and this is certainly a pattern with him KJHDSFKGJHSDKFGJHDFGSD#also look before anyone asks yes I was kinda mean to him over this but to put bluntly if hes gonna be this dismissive to his fans concerns#he deserves it. Theres this persistent attitude esp in bendy fanspaces of being defensive of the devs#and I dont know why they have been extremely horrible people every single chance they get#and its very hurtful to see how many people would rather tell me to be kinder to the people who broke the heart of a child me when they#dismissed any ideas of putting queers like me in their stories than to realize Mike n Meatly bring this bad attention to themselves#to put bluntly I dont owe them kindness not until they at least apologize for the shit they did which they still havent#mike hasnt even addressed his vent poem in the code of BATDR let alone the other shit he said n did#so no I will not be kind to him ever hope this helps!
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film bro's choosing the most deadly (or morally grey or whatever it is) sigma character of 2023 to base their personality on
meanwhile me knowing none of them have got anything on this silly little eldritch horror yet to come
#he created a nuclear bomb without fully realizing the consequences? well just wait till you hear what this guy did#60th anniversary specials haven't been released yet#but you know this is true#i was inspired by a bunch of killer related posts#which was moslty ppl arguing which fictional character is smarter/had a higher kill count or whatever (i don't really know how it works)#i don't really understand the whole sigma male thing#but nobody can beat 2000 year old alien being with a god complex who comitted genocide and goes mad every time they're left alone#he just wanted to work in a little shop GODDAMIT#also the sigma male thing is so hypermasculine and the doctor being the antithesis of this (by literally being genderfluid) is hilarious#the killer#oppenheimer#doctor who#the doctor#david tennant#cillian murphy#michael fassbender
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#T's “what did u call me? do u think whatever that is is hot? okay then good”#i love the tour pic above K!#and i love how they r still plucked abt not being in Dune2#K the avid winker...#its so cute how T is featured on this album of K's too😭😭😭#T wants to be left alone (on the phone) on her bday and K wants attention... well... ((once again relating to K))#T looked at Ks belly in a suprisingly like? soft way? idk i might have hallucinated that but who knows.#fuck whoever didnt visit K when she would have wanted them to.#its sweet how T visited her! (srsly cant u just communicate who wants what in this situation so its no suprise? ik its hard for them but😭)#T describing Ks party attending habits!!! they know each other soooo well🤭#aaagh how they have to act like they cant easily spend 2 hrs together having fun when they literally cant wipe the smiles off of their faces#(lesbians..... lovesick idiots.......)#oh they r always facetiming! so adorable :(#T was so excited that they r linked! like girl u do not need more confirmation for that research do u?😭#K watching the pod...... my heart......#why dont they just sit closer if they will reach across a whole fucking room to touch eachother?? like it sounds easier for me but u do u!#i really get a kick out of K mentioning TRHPS anytime she does it bc ik it was such a big thing in Ts life and ugh😭#constantly praising each other😭😭😭😭😭 what if i start sobbing huh#well maybe T is trying to get K to learn how to flirt so that she can practice on her? just an idea?😁#K putting her leg up on T?????? hi what? jist sit in the other's lap u creatures... its okay we can all look away for a sec if u need it...#their art! i fucking love it! both of it! its art at its finest🛐 and id kill to see a collection of their drawings bc cmon they r amazing!#its cute how they r talking abt smth and then they go “oh wait we were there together!”#its almost as if they actually spend time hanging out�� (dont let the police know!!4!4)#“if we were on DR now-” okay but why r u still dreaming of that miss T?🤭🤭🤭 (who could blame her)#them watching the movies the other one recommends is the closest we can get to them watching an actual thing together (outside of NF)#also im so happy T spent time w K on her bday :(((#trixie mattel#katya zamo#tbatb#the brians
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obsessed w the tags on ur last reblog
Omgg, thank you haha, it was a quality post so I just had to appreciate it in full force 😂❤️
Can‘t believe someone would actually enjoy my yapping :,D
#guys help is it time for a rebranding?? am I just gonna post about f1 now??#I still can’t believe this has all started because bestie and I were watching Ted Lasso (because I’ve been obsessed with that show for a#while now too) and I paused the episode to talk about how I really like the way Jamie interacts with kids (I’m sorry people being good with#and nice to kids is one of my weaknesses I work with kids now and have been invested in treating kids well forever)#so me saying that apparently reminded her of max and she showed me a video of him with p and yeah it was very effective in making me like#him and then we left the episode on pause and she told me a lot about f1 and max specifically cause I was interested now lmao (funny thing#is that she also got roped into it by our other friends I swear it’s speeding lmao#she also compared him to Jamie from Ted lasso (if you know you know) and showed me some heart wrenching Taylor swift edits (i haven’t#emotionally recovered yet) and yeah that’s how I started consuming way too much f1 content on YouTube and got into this whole mess lmao#oh yeah our friends also made me and another friend make a Tier list for all the drivers based on vibes alone (cause I only knew a bit about#max at that time and the other one knew nothing really) which was very funny too#especially looking back at it (we did some of them so dirty lmao 😂)#I’ve also come to the conclusion that tumblr is still one of the least annoying platforms to engage with other people (still)#YouTube is full of hate comments about drivers and stuff it’s so annoying actually#not to mention Twitter but I don’t go there and probably never will 😂#I personally don’t enjoy fics and scenarios and shipping of real people cause it makes me a bit uncomfy (not judging people who do#you do you as long as it doesn’t negatively affect anyone#but yeah I’d much rather just scroll by those here than have to look away from all the mindless hate and which driver is better discussions#everywhere else like I’m not one to engage with stuff like that but it does upset me to some#degree so yeah tumblr making memes and being rather positive about their drivers (most of what I’ve seen here of course there are gonna be#annoying people everywhere) is much more tolerable and a lot more enjoyable for me#whoops this post got away from me again oh dear#I’ve had the idea for a meme stuck in my head for days now: Max verstappen but make it if you don’t love me at my *swearing on team radio#giving spicy replies and attitude to the media maxplaining and complaining going for risky overtakes* you don’t deserve me at my *precious#interactions with p talking about his cats being a goofball with other drivers and especially danny defending other drivers driving#beautifully in the rain* it’s a package deal you can’t just pick and choose and personally I don’t even get why people complain about some#of the other stuff I appreciate someone who’s passionate and honest and genuinely kind where it matters 🤷🏻♀️#I think I’ve seen someone else say that but the more people complain about and criticize max the more I feel the need to defend him#god forbid women have hobbies for real (can’t believe I’ve yapped so much I can’t put more tags 💀)#also shoutout to Oscar Piastri and Danny Ric (I was so happy Oscar won even tho McLaren where being very silly in a not so funny way)
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once again, the great question of "if i do this thing i will be upset but if i dont do this thing i will still also be upset"
#god i just wish everyone left me alone foreverrrrrr!!!!!!! (but at the same time being lonely sucks. but does it really)#i am losing myself to my own false interpretations of me!!#yay how fun guy super alright over here i am doing so great#just this year just this year just this year just this year just this year just this year#just this one more time and ill be fine after i promise#i keep having nightmares when sleeping#god the mood swings have never been this bad before#realistically i REALLY should ask for help and go to an actual therapist instead of dealing with this alone -#- but it has been working out so well so far!! (<- total bs)#im the kind of person that never takes action unless the whole thing is minutes away from crashing down#mdiaryposting#i dont think im that great of a person after all#sigh im going to sleep. and skipping tomorrow. and once again turning out to be a giant hypocrite#i should delete this later i think
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no really there is a special kind of academic grief when your classes are fascinating, they present interesting challenges, your homework is stimulating, fun to do, and you feel good when you get it done, your classmates are kind and fun and have so much interesting shit to say.
but you're wayyy busy spending your time 50% trying to be the best potted plant your parents have ever owned 50% blasting your brain with endless stimulation lest you start crying and hitting yourself because you had an unpleasant thought.
#ngl it was extremely hard in the first few weeks like socially and regarding the working environment#(2000 students in a building that's Not That Big is awful i wanted to rip my ears off)#but i deeply miss having FUN during exams#listen. is it fun to be at 8am sharp in the exam hall? no.#was it a fun feeling last year to hang the whole trajectory of my life and education on 5 exams? no.#but they were fun i was having a good time i really liked constructing my point throughout the paper#i'm dogshit at it but it doesn't matter the point was that i was having fun and practicing and improving#now i work half an hour out of four being extremely slow at making the worst plan i've ever made in my life#and then the lethargy takes me and i sleep standing straight in my chair the whole three hours that i have left#awful#the whole point of picking a cursus with a lot of classes and a lot of homework was to escape my parents#that since they value academics and my dad went to the same cursus when he was young therefore they'd know it takes a lot of work#that they'd leave me alone and they wouldn't keep feeding into the fucking compulsions or whatever the fuck they are#but NO no again it's clear that no matter how much time i spend with them how much i center my whole life around them and their routine#it's never enough it's never enough to earn myself some peace#their way is the objective Good and Comfortable way to live and deviating from it must mean i'm wicked and sad and i'm failing and them too#no matter how clear i have tried my best to be on the many occasions i've told them THIS IS SOMETHING I DON'T LIKE AND DO FOR YOUR SAKE#i was more independant when i was younger and everybody told me it was wrong it was weird i was just a wittle baby who needed mommy#i didn't earn this independance#now i'm trying my best to please them and comply with what they want. except what they tell me they want they don't want apparently.#and it doesn't earn me any independance either#broadcasting my misery#vent
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so tired of being a shitty bandaid for my parents' loneliness. like have u ever considered you passed your curse to me and some days i feel so lonely it's like i can't breathe around the emptiness in my chest????
#my dad is like#you can't just be in your room all the time then what's the point of you living here if ill be sitting here all alone then#and im like bhai what#mom also says this to me she always wanted to sit and rant and she used to say you never talk to me#both of these people don't even fucking get it that they're not even interested in me listening to me#mom just wants a sounding board for her venting and dad just wants someone to pretend everything is okay and happy all the time and#the only important things in life is the immediate present and food and making money and stuff#i swear this is why i feel so ????? about myself my identity like no i can't describe myself#because there is no myself there is just a white sheet of paper where people can write whatever they want#im so tired man#why can't they just go and live with each other and leave us kids out of it 😭🙏#like i genuinely am getting teary eyed about such a small thing but god. i want to have my own life so bad. im sick of feeling all these#complicated emotions guilt and anger and pity and obligation and duty like just god pls fuck off#people my age are so fucking mature and put together than me so confident so clear about their path#have friends partners breakups parties just so many new memories#and im just stuck.#and im fine with it now because i get it studying is really important and this is quite basic requirement to be perfect at#atleast my syllabus to survive in this industry#but then. let me do that only. please don't make me pretend to like you like spending time with you and everything#ive hated you for like. idk 14 whole years. since the first time you hit mom in front of me#i remember it so well like my childhood broke that day you slammed her into a wall for some stupid fight and her hair was all messy and#untied and you shouted so loud i thought surely everyone can hear. and then you left to roam around the city at night with your friends#i remember this because my mom and my sister sent me to check up on you with the excuse of a painting of a parrot that i had made#i didn't understand anything back then#but yeah fuck you fuck you fuck you for being so fucking delusional thinking i love you or something#ive prayed to god that you die and i still do#it would directly mean 4 people being happy#anyway#dni#this was meant to be fun and short lol fuck
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they look half dead ☹️
#weezer#rivers cuomo#brian bell#patrick wilson#matt sharp#i rlly like rivers’ hair in this one! it’s epicness#i liked his hair in the 90s with his bowl cut.#bowl cuts are cool#and he looked great w it !#anyways yesterday was my boyfriend’s birthday party; and i got him some chaos emeralds from sonic that he’s been wanting like ; forever!#it was fun for the most part; but nobody told me we would be swimming plus i was the only girl there sooo i was just sitting around while#everybody swam and stuff. and my friend hayden i guess felt bad so he stayed out of the pool despite having swimwear and just played mobile#games with me; which was fun and i really appreciated but this guy ; who will remain nameless was being rlly mean to me at the party#like he was saying stuff abt how my boyfriend didn’t really like me THAT much (we have been together for nearly a year…)#and other things like that; which made me rlly sad and i kept asking my mom to pick me up but she wasn’t answering so i couldn’t do anything#besides trying not to cry and stuff. but it’s okay#and after everybody went inside besides me and my boyfriend ; we were cleaning up the table since the guys left all their trash and i had#like a whole pile of trash; like tons of plates and a whole stack of trash still; the guy from earlier who was mean just like#put his trash on top of the trash i was already carrying inside#since the guys were all crowded around the trash cans (he was closest; but he couldn’t throw it away; rather he wanted to deliberately just#put it on the pile i was carrying ) and it wouldn’t be a big deal if he wasn’t mean earlier; i wouldn’t have cared so much#but he was being real mean and just did that. and i’m a passive person ; but i rolled my eyes a ton at it and idk it felt like the#other guys were laughing; which made me feel even more awful about the fact but yeah so i rolled my eyes tons and he told my bf that he was#sorry about it; but didn’t say it to me and stuff and idk it just made me feel bad#when i was younger i got bullied a lot and people would throw their trash on my lunch tray n it just reminded me of that and made me sad;#but it’s okay now! other than that i had a good time and it was fun! my boyfriend said he loved my gift to him so ya! :D it was fun other#than the stuff with the guy! but yeah. not rlly weezer related tags today; just really wanted to get that off my chest#my boyfriends mom asked if i felt left out; which i definetly did and really wanted to go home but ik i couldn’t so i was just sitting at a#table alone for abt 20 mins while everybody was changingninitially#but it’s okay! ty for listening to my rant i love u all
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